May 2020 - Devout Mom

Through my life I have struggled with anxiety and depression. When I was younger there were some dark times that I fought through. Watching Oprah’s TV show introduced me to self-help and I began keeping a quote book and encouraging things. I also relied on prayer to pull me out.

When I became a mom I ended up having to have a c-section and I was trying to breastfeed. A lack of sleep became a given and it changed me. I was sad most of the time and just felt like a different person. I tried to put on the happy face around others but when alone there was no smiling at all. When my husband and I were considering having another child I told him I had to seek counseling or I might not survive another child. This counselor seemed to be making things worse. She agreed with all my struggles and wanted me to just change situations I was in when I was not capable of changing them. I ended up once again turning to God and positive quotes. I also joined a woman’s group at my church. I found may way through again.

Through the years I have had my ups and downs and when I am down I have tried counseling but recently our insurance changed and counseling was going to cost us a pretty penny. So less than a year ago I felt myself falling deep into my dark hole. My in-laws attend a church that offers counseling for just a donation. I looked to the Catholic Church to help. Where I was living free counseling would be out of the question. It was going to cost close to $125 an hour. Are you serious? How are people able to afford this?This made me mad and sad. How can my religion not help me? My local priest was willing to meet with me but I didn’t want to burden him even though he said I wasn’t a burden at all and he was there for me.

I began praying and asking God to lead me where he wanted me to be. Please help me find a way out of this. I want to be better for my children. My older brother gave me the gift of meditation for Christmas and I found myself doing that daily. It really got me into an almost trans-like state. This led me to reaching out to a friend of mine who has found peace and relief through Reiki. A few years ago when she just began training, she practiced on me and I remember having the same calming feeling I had when I meditated. I asked her if she would train me and thanks to her help I became certified in Reiki level I.

During this time I also went on a woman’s retreat and was introduced to Tai Chi. Tai chi is like meditative movement. This seemed to fit together with everything else I was learning and was similar, yet different tools I could use to help me.

God led me to these tools to help me and they were working. I also remembered I use to love using essential oils to help me and the kids. So I dug out my oils and began using them. Peace was finding it’s way back into my life. God has answered my prayers in a way that I didn’t expect but was grateful for.

So as I continue to learn more about these tools I am hoping that not only will I help myself but I can help others in similar situations find tools they can empower themselves with. Stay tuned for future post on these different tools/blessings.

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So many of my posts are about the Catholic Church and my support of it. However, just like when I was in high school, I find myself questioning things and the path I am on. It is mostly because of my children. What path should I be leading them down?

I have always had a strong connection to what I believe is God. I was raised in the Catholic Church and I was taught to believe in the bible, Jesus and Mary. The path I took as a child was also in Catholic school. It was there that I learned that I had to follow all the rules or risk going to hell. As I became a mother I felt so much pressure to do right by my children and the Catholic Church. It seemed everything I was doing was going to send me to hell. If we missed mass or I didn’t read the bible to them I risked going to hell. When we did get to mass it was honestly torture because it was just me and three kids, two of which didn’t want to be there. By the time mass was over I was either crying or my kids were because they lost electronics for the day.

Could the God I love really be willing to send me to hell for these things? Could this really be the right path for us? He/she knows how hard I am trying. They know what is in my heart but is that not good enough? To me my inner voice always told me that God loves me and is proud of me. He/she sees my sorrow and pain, my remorse and shame. My God wants me to be with them, not burn in hell. My path is to God but do I get there by following my current path of the Catholic Church? Is the current path that the church is going down the right one? Have the leaders veered off course at all?

Forcing my kids to go to church was making them hate the religion I wanted them to love. On top of that because they do not go to Catholic school they have to go to faith formation class. Our choices were Sunday morning, Tuesday right after school, a week in the summer or homeschooling. All were very challenging for us but we plugged through trying to figure out what works best for each child. Honestly, I don’t know what they have really learned beside the fact that they hate these classes and this is not the path they want to follow.

My struggles have really been weighing on me. Now with this mandatory stay at home there is no obligation to go to physical mass or attend certain events because all public gatherings are not allowed. Mass is now on TV or events are on zoom. This has opened my eyes to my truth. My truth is that God loves all of us and he wants us to love one another and treat others with love and kindness. He gave us Jesus and Jesus gave us the Church. I believe the Apostles Creed;

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, Creator of Heaven and earth;
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son Our Lord,
Who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.
He descended into Hell; the third day He rose again from the dead;
He ascended into Heaven, and sitteth at the right hand of God, the Father almighty; from thence He shall come to judge the living and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body and life everlasting.

The rest of the rules of the Catholic Church were created by men through the years. Many have changed since the beginning and I believe they will change again. I believe God wants me to lead my children to be good individuals and to know and love him. So while my children may chose to take a different religious path in life my hope is that our paths will lead to the same destination. I am committed to doing what is needed to help them find their paths and their relationship to God.

Month: May 2020

Finding My Way out of Darkness

What Path is the Right Path?